Hey folks, forgive a ramble. Facing the reality of being too ill to do something is not easy for me. I’ve always thought that no matter what, if I try hard enough I can achieve it. But I’m faced with the reality of wanting to go and study a masters in Brighton, at a music school that looks amazing. But without being able to work due to my disability, only a small amount of disability benefit to live off and the Tory government phasing out housing benefit… One of my dreams won’t be happening. Maybe one day I’ll be in a position where I can work. I have within the last few months started volunteering at a local studio, but it’s low pressure, in a field I enjoy and if I am unwell I can bail out at any moment. Life feels very uncertain right now. I want to do so much, I want to succeed. I’m an ambitious person. I’ve got other plans of course. I’ve just set up a charity music festival in my hometown of Derby, Cowbell has a small but growing following, and I’m about to release my debut album. Life is good. I’m in a position where I can create music and art every single day if I choose to. Many people would love to be where I am and I am so grateful to be living somewhere safe and warm and able to create. But the thing that always kills me is that I KNOW without this condition I could do so much more. And yes I know, my experiences have no doubt shaped me into who I am and I wouldn’t be nearly as good a person without them. And I’d rather be a good person than a capable one. My life is not a bad one. But it’s not easy. And I wish I could do more.
Peace, Love & Cowbells,