Sometimes there are days when people can’t get out of bed. These are days where life is hell and you feel like there’s no point to anything. Productivity goes to zero and you just sit there, almost stunned. You do anything to block out the pain, listen to music, watch tv, play video games. But when the video buffers or the music dies down or you simply pause the game to go to the bathroom you remember all the self hatred, the doubt, the memories of every mistake you’ve ever made coming back to haunt you. It hurts so much but you don’t even have the energy to cry. Crying would be good. It would be the release, the big explosion that you are waiting for that will tire you out and allow you to sleep. Then tomorrow you can start again. But until that happens, if it happens at all, you just sit and wait. You get angry at yourself because you can’t function. You haven’t had a shower, you’ve eaten a load of junk food and your room is a mess. You had plans for today, You’re so angry at not being productive that you’re writing your feelings down to post online just to think I’ve done something today. Tomorrow You’ll probably delete it out of shame that you allowed yourself to be so open. Constantly angry at yourself, the world and whatever cruel thing put you in this position. But the worst part is you don’t even know how you got like this. Is it simply yourself? Are you being a drama queen? Are you lazy? The doctors say you have a condition but is that really the truth? Perhaps it’s all in your head? The fear of the unknown gets to you. You pray to gods you don’t believe in just in case they help. But they won’t. You suffer in silence. Too afraid to reach out to a friend in case it’s some sort of social faux pas. Even if you manage to speak to someone how do you open yourself up like that? How do you explain articulately how you feel when you don’t even know yourself. They might ask you why you feel this way but you can’t explain. Is this feeling going to last an hour? A week? A year? You haven’t the faintest idea. You’ve been through this before. You survived but you don’t quite know how. You are doing what you did then. Sit there. Eventually it passes you know this. But as much as you want to sleep you fear tomorrow. Because you are scared that you will still be this way. Because you know it will come back again if not tomorrow then when? This haunting thing that follows you everywhere that you don’t even understand. The day gets longer and longer. You are both exhausted and unable to sleep. You feel like you’ve been awake for days and perhaps you have been. You don’t remember. You question everything. No matter what you do it will affect you. You are vulnerable in this state and you have to force yourself to not do anything stupid. To not message your abusive ex because you still think they can protect you in some weird fucked up way. To not shout and scream at your mother who’s just come to check if you’re okay. Simply the act of defying the overwhelming urge to hurt yourself takes everything you have and you don’t always succeed. You might think thoughts of death but you are too much of a coward to actually do it. For some reason that makes you hate yourself more. You know that if you were in your right mind you could dispel those thoughts. You know deep down that it is strength not cowardice that stops you from ending it but you can’t think that right now. All you know is this numbing sensation that’s both nothingness and agony.
This is mental health. This is one of those days. But you will get through it. You’ll get up tomorrow or in a week or in a month and you will move on. It may come back but you will beat it then too. You won’t give in because you are strong. You are powerful and you will not let this force defeat you. You will look at the people around you and think they will never understand but they will. Everyone has or will go through hardship. Maybe not exactly like yours. We are all different. But you can bond through your pain and become stronger than ever. You can teach those others who have their own struggles how you deal with yours and perhaps it will help. Perhaps not. But you can listen and offer words of encouragement and even then they might not listen. Not at first. But if even the slightest bit of positivity can get through to them then it will ease their burden. Don’t put yourself at risk to help your friends that isn’t good for you and if they are true friends then they won’t want you to do that. But if you can use what you learn on days like this to listen and if they ask for it, help. Show them that they are not alone. And when the next day comes where you once again can’t get out of bed. When the world feels like it’s over. Perhaps they will remember your kindness and help you in turn. But if they don’t? You will still get through it. You are strong. You are powerful. You will not be defeated.
Peace, Love and Cowbells,